Life is a spiral...

I've been thinking about writing a book, which book is always the question.  My experiences in MKUltra? The V (vee) Series?  One and the same?  Yes.  Just do it.  almost 8 years has passed by and I still can't decide whether or not to write about my dark story!

 Just now I ran across an old email that I had written to myself:

May 30, 2010

i woke up falling

the sensation and urgency are rapidly fading into the aethers as sleep fades and my waking state takes over.  all i can say is that i felt sheer terror like i haven't felt in a very long time, since 1991.

triggers:  al b. contacting me,  eft'ing for a change in my relationship with money, my mom's situation.  

why is al a 'trigger'?  perhaps it is because one of my last real memories of him/us as a couple was when we were at dinner and i was explaining what was happening to me as my memories of my father molesting me while i was still an infant were surfacing and i was working through them. the horror on his face.  the disbelief, the doubt, the comment that either i was crazy or he was for being with me.  that was the end of it for me.  

yesterday i woke up feeling as though i needed to do some EFT and to turn my magnetic field back upright.  i did that, with my focus on finances because it seems that, once again, i am repelling rather than attracting.  that stress alone, that stress that i have been experiencing about finances all of these years, is enough to kill me. that's the way it feels anyway.    i thought that i had that under control: the depressions that would descend on me when my bank account was empty.  i thought i had conquered that.

and the stress of waking up with that sinking, falling feeling of being out of control and of having failed my mother in that i can't take care of her.  she hates being where she is. but then i have to remember that she has hated where she lived since the vineyard apartments, when the bitch moved in upstairs.  that was when her nightmares began, and i wasn't the cause of them.  and i absolutely can not take care of her. it isn't that i don't want to. i am incapable. and my son hates me for it. he is unforgiving that i am not able to take my mother into my tiny little home and take care of her. how can pieces, fragments, take care of another person?  

so there i am, dealing with those three stresses, barely holding myself together, when memories of machines and electricity and PAIN and TERROR and HORROR begin to become very, very real...  i am transported back in time to the day i was born. the day i was born and the torture began. the splitting of kimrey into a zillion fragments. a zillion broken, shattered, TERRIFIED fragments.  each one with a word tucked into it, a word placed there to prevent any healing ever.  trigger words.  everyday words. words that when i hear them or think them cause me to be unable to piece myself back together.  i am a puzzle.  and up until these past couple of days i thought that i had been completed.  that my days of being a jumble of pieces were in the past. 

i am beginning to see their eyes. the eyes of the monsters who would do such a thing to another human, a newborn baby all innocent and trusting and LOVE...?  eyes above hospital masks.  under hospital caps.  wicked eyes that find pleasure and are curious in the effects that this torture and that torture would have on someone else, other than themselves.  to what purpose?  [what's that movie?  not the montauk man... damnit. i have always known the name of that movie and now i can't find it in my thoughts. anywhere.  but, i digress...]

do i have to look into their eyes to find my healing?  i hope not. how could i look into their souls. that would be like looking into hell. maybe i have to go there to find the key.  i have no idea how to fix this. it's just this lifetime, it's just this embodiment,  it is only kimrey that is shattered, not my Spirit.  how can my Spirit heal my fractured, broken vessel?

so this morning i am falling and shattering and i am remembering what was done to me,  things that very few people on this planet would believe happened to me. but they did. i know that they did. i can feel them in my very cells. my cellular memory is full of them. and my cells remember everything.  we are supposed to be all new cells, but i think that the memories are in my being so deeply that the new cells remember as vividly as if it had just happened.  i can't face them.  i can't talk to anyone about this. that's the loneliest feeling.  i have my wonderful husband. he knows. he believes, he understands. he is my rock and he is shattered as well.  lol.  that's the irony.  

so, how do the two of us heal ourselves and put our life on the right track?  it has to be done.  we have been living here in limbo far too long. sitting here spinning wheels.  wheels that produce just enough forward movement to keep us from sinking.  but we are sinking and neither of us knows how to fix the leak in the boat.  we are both the same side of the coin. how do we find ourselves, and regain our balance?  pull ourselves up out of this mire?  is it simply depression?  or is the depression caused by something unfix-able?  

i don't know. i have no answers.  perhaps i can find them at my center.

Being grateful]

I am so grateful that my computer is working again!!   The day after I reactivated this blog, it informed me that my C drive was full.  Blockage overcome!!!

Yesterday I woke up in the morning and whereas most of the time I catch myself leaning towards my old habit of feeling fear and thinking of all of the things in my life that aren't full of happiness and joy, for example;  where is that extra money going to come from this month in order for me to be able to stay ahead of my bills and still be able to eat?!?!  Which always works out for me, somehow... for the past 40 years even, so far so good.  Why do I stress, then?  HABIT.  I've got those neuropathways down pat!  But, I digress!!  The thing is, I woke up yesterday thinking about how grateful I was to be breathing, to be awakening for another day, another chance to make a difference in the world, even if it is just my world for the moment.  The remainder of the day, and today as well, I have been noticing the topic of Gratitude everywhere, in my email, on my social media sites, in my own thinking... perhaps the fact that it is Thanksgiving tomorrow has something to do with it of course, but I was happy to spend this time in gratitude. 

Today is now Sunday, November 26th and I never posted my day-before-Thanksgiving post because I started typing on more topics than just what I decided to post  above. 

Learning to stay on topic seems to be something I need to do. 

I am a work in progress ;)

Gold Meditation - An Energy Exercise

from the OPPT

TEC - Unit 16 - The Creator's Still White Magnetic Light

Welcome to the New Earth 2013

It's a new day, a new dawn...   we have worked so hard as Lightworkers to get the planet and all thereon to this point and it is done.  great job one and all!!  even if you weren't conscious of your input, if you are here, you are part of the solution!

WELCOME

i am posting here more as an exercise in journal-ling than as a blogger... a blogger i am not.

i, kimrey,  am unsure as to what direction I AM going to choose next...  i seem to be afloat in a sea of endless possibilities and find myself wondering what Path to walk now.

without the crystalline grid, the ley lines, the 'power points', without sacred geometry and the archangels (both of which/whom i have never truly felt comfortable with, my intuition bristling with doubt as to their legitimacy,  same with channeled information whether it be from the arcturians or the pleiadians... or cobra )
i feel as though i have been cut free from the cords that bind but have no idea where to go next.  i suppose that i am at the point where i am integrating these concepts and i always feel so discombobulated during those times.  

I AM ALL THERE IS,  I AM RISHI,  I AM LOVE.... all this I KNOW.  kimrey is the aspect of ME here incarnate, she is here for me to walk the Earth as my RISHI Self.  kimrey has no idea what that means just yet,  being Rishi,  but she knows that this is why she is here.


I welcome you to my New Earth although it is in its infancy,  just a seed in the imagination of kimrey.

this New Earth,  Gaia/Sophia incarnate, awake and aware,  is Paradise, Heaven on Earth.  how we transition from where we are into our Awakened Selves,  that is the gift that is unwrapping now.  from homo-sapien into homo-luminous,  hue-manity arises, remembers who they are... i, kimrey, look forward to Being who i truly am.  for now, i must remain content to sit back and watch the unfolding.  not an easy task for me.  especially since i really do know who I AM and just want to get on with it!!!   like being a child awaiting her birthday...   or a child asking the eternal question, "are we there yet? are we there yet?"     come on, Rishi Self, integrate fully,  i am willing!

my question to my Rishi Self:  do i remain with Children of the Sun???   if not, then what, where do i belong?

 ah, kimrey.  just BE.

my key word for manifestation and intention in 2013 is FREEDOM and all that implies.



 have a BLESSED new year!

The Countdown - Day 2 12/12 by 5D Media Network | Blog Talk Radio

The Countdown - Day 2 12/12 by 5D Media Network | Blog Talk Radio

the end of the world as we know it....

i woke up today and sent my husband miles away with a neighbor/friend to have his bicep reattached to his arm.  fun stuff.  the storm seems to have held itself at bay, this is a good thing.

for the past 12 weeks i have been participating in a group meditation series done by The Children of the Sun Humanitarian Foundation.  i joined them (not much of a joiner and had serious second thoughts, but my Higher Self insisted.  i tend to listen to my HS).  the Rites of Passage  have been a wonderful tool for me to switch my focus from the 3D world to the "New Earth 5D and beyond" Reality. i have thoroughly enjoyed my time with this group of people looking to become all they were created to be.

  today i decided it was time to do the final Initiation entitled The Crowning, this Rite of Passage is to be done any time this week, i had originally thought i would wait until 12/21/12, the day being celebrated as the Grand Alignment.

http://www.childrenofthesun.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=502&Itemid=258

yesterday i was perusing my Facebook newspage when i ran across a video by George Kavassilas that he had posted on 12/15/12 on his youtube page:

i have to say that i agree with him.  i have never liked the flower of life, the merkaba,  aliens or ascended masters coming to assist us in our transformation.. WE are the ones we have been waiting for. we do not need, and Planet Earth does not need, any assistance in our remembering who we are, we have to find our own way or it may not be our truth.  we are all there is.  WE ARE GOD.  we are the I AM.  I AM ALL THERE IS.

we use geometry to ground ourselves into the 3D, why would we use it to free ourselves from it, to become multidimensional??  we wouldn't.  that would be the false light agenda. keeping us in the matrix via the grid, the flower of life, the merkaba...

i feel that it is important to note that my dogs have been acting strangely all day. one of my neighbors even called to ask what was going on with them.  and we all know that animals sense things.  our cat, ophelia, who has just now (14 years later) finally forgiven me for trying to give her away when she was a kitten but hasn't warmed up to me, was laying with me while i tried to take my nap this afternoon.  yes, the animals are acting strangely.

just prior to doing the Rite of Passage, The Crowning, i decided to check out The Oracle Report for the day:

Monday, December 17, 2012

Crescent Moon Phase - Moon in Aquarius
From our perspective here on Earth, the Sun appears to conjunct or align with the Galactic Center today (italics mine) at 26 Sagittarius 22.  The Sabian symbol for this degree is the sculptor's vision taking form.  Of course, the real question is what do you think the Galactic Center is?  Friend or foe?  But perhaps the even-better question is what do you think the Earth is?  Everyone is peering out "there" in space, but what if the real party was right here on Earth?  Would there be less fear going on in the collective?  I think so because the answer to all questions of this sort is grounding down with the Earth.  Keeping your feet on the ground feels a lot better.  Keeping it real by connecting with what's really important - not some image of what most people think is important - is much more merry and bright.  Fears are being heavily triggered right now, but there is no need for it.  We can choose to fall back in love with life (and with living!) or choose to think about the end of life (death) but how about a little of both?  How about the death of things that involve power and control combined with a love of things that involve beauty and freedom?  The Sabian symbol is the sculptor's vision taking form.  What do you envision?

http://oraclereport.com/

i didn't really give it much thought at the time, except to note the confirmation of my own beliefs... nothing new here :D

if you have read this far, thank  you :D  i am actually making a point here.  i did the meditation and, sure enough, just as george kavassilas was pointing out, there they were, asking me to give over my power.  sure, it was said in pretty love and light words,  but they were asking everyone to come to the throne of mother father god and pledge our selves in service to the divine will.  but who's divine will?  I AM ALL THERE IS so why would i be kneeling before the throne of another being? would that not be handing over my power??

george had said, and i have thought this many times myself, that the false light groups who are seeking to prevent us from awakening to our remembrance of who we are,  I AM ALL THERE IS, God*Seed*Dess, by convincing us that we need their help and that they are the light, just here to help us.

so, as all of these people come to the throne of mother father god, an entity subtly outside of themselves, i realized that since i know that I AM GOD, i chose to set them all free.  I AM FREE (i can only set myself free, after all, but if I AM ALL THERE IS then what i do for myself i do for all)  I AM FREE.  Free from the need for a merkaba, free from systems, free from assistance, free from new earth governments (as some entities have suggested they are here to help us to set up for our golden age).  this is the resurrection. all set free!

golden age?  but aren't we leaving time?  i don't know, just asking...  i am still evolving, but i know who I AM and that's my starting point.

then i realized that the crystalline grid that we have been working on all of these years and the 'master crystals' placed within earth by the lemurians and the atlantians to be activated, all of the power places on the grid,  they are all just more geometric forms and points that keep us bound in the lower dimensions, at least until we are free from them and then they will be used as our tools for creating our new experiences, but until we are all FULLY AWAKE and in our I AM CONSCIOUSNESS we can easily be trapped by shapes and geometries and ideas of someone else coming to save us or assist us in our transformation.  does a butterfly need the bees to assist her in her emergence?  no. and neither do we.  we are all there is. we are the thinkers, the imaginators of our experiences, we do not need anything outside of ourselves.  The Kingdom of God is within us!

as i contemplated this, during my meditation,  the crystalline grid  shattered, and all of the light that was creating the lines and points was set free to dance and fly ... the Earth is now surrounded by light that is free, not structured.  the Earth is now free of that net, as she desires to be free to evolve and grow.  i know because the Earth and I are one,   I AM The Thinker of The First Thought! I AM ALL THERE IS.
I AM THE EARTH, THE SUN, THE GALAXY and THE GREAT CENTRAL SUN!!  it is all contained within my own heart, within my own ANU and all that i see outside of myself is merely a reflection of what is within.  no light comes from outside of myself for I AM ALL THERE IS. and so are you.

the end of the world, the end of time...  the transformation of homo-sapien into HOMO*LUMINOUS occurred TODAY. IT IS DONE.  the false light can have its big party this coming week,  but it has already been transformed and freed from its own agenda.

i have popcorn, and i am sitting back now to watch how this all unfolds.  it's just like opening a present!!!

I AM LOVE and I LOVE YOU!!  BE FREE!  Είμαι ελεύθερος (eimai eleutheros)     I AM FREE

here are two excellent videos on the ANU,  which is, i believe, in our hearts (and within each and every quantum, which are the smallest conscious beings known). and it expands outwards into our magnetic field, our torus, and out of our torus, as we turn our hearts inside out, comes LOVE and that is all there is.  the way we serve creation is to give and be love.  love is all there is!!  light is love expressed. we are love expressed. we are light.  BE.

and this last video,  a more 'scientific' approach to what we may be experiencing right now.  it didn't seem like an hour + when i watched it!  enjoy!!

thank you.  i love you.

I AM Dancing with Dragon & Phoenix

welcome to my youtube channel