Just now I ran across an old email that I had written to myself:
May 30, 2010
i woke up falling
the sensation and urgency are rapidly fading into the aethers as sleep fades and my waking state takes over. all i can say is that i felt sheer terror like i haven't felt in a very long time, since 1991.
triggers: al b. contacting me, eft'ing for a change in my relationship with money, my mom's situation.
why is al a 'trigger'? perhaps it is because one of my last real memories of him/us as a couple was when we were at dinner and i was explaining what was happening to me as my memories of my father molesting me while i was still an infant were surfacing and i was working through them. the horror on his face. the disbelief, the doubt, the comment that either i was crazy or he was for being with me. that was the end of it for me.
yesterday i woke up feeling as though i needed to do some EFT and to turn my magnetic field back upright. i did that, with my focus on finances because it seems that, once again, i am repelling rather than attracting. that stress alone, that stress that i have been experiencing about finances all of these years, is enough to kill me. that's the way it feels anyway. i thought that i had that under control: the depressions that would descend on me when my bank account was empty. i thought i had conquered that.
and the stress of waking up with that sinking, falling feeling of being out of control and of having failed my mother in that i can't take care of her. she hates being where she is. but then i have to remember that she has hated where she lived since the vineyard apartments, when the bitch moved in upstairs. that was when her nightmares began, and i wasn't the cause of them. and i absolutely can not take care of her. it isn't that i don't want to. i am incapable. and my son hates me for it. he is unforgiving that i am not able to take my mother into my tiny little home and take care of her. how can pieces, fragments, take care of another person?
so there i am, dealing with those three stresses, barely holding myself together, when memories of machines and electricity and PAIN and TERROR and HORROR begin to become very, very real... i am transported back in time to the day i was born. the day i was born and the torture began. the splitting of kimrey into a zillion fragments. a zillion broken, shattered, TERRIFIED fragments. each one with a word tucked into it, a word placed there to prevent any healing ever. trigger words. everyday words. words that when i hear them or think them cause me to be unable to piece myself back together. i am a puzzle. and up until these past couple of days i thought that i had been completed. that my days of being a jumble of pieces were in the past.
i am beginning to see their eyes. the eyes of the monsters who would do such a thing to another human, a newborn baby all innocent and trusting and LOVE...? eyes above hospital masks. under hospital caps. wicked eyes that find pleasure and are curious in the effects that this torture and that torture would have on someone else, other than themselves. to what purpose? [what's that movie? not the montauk man... damnit. i have always known the name of that movie and now i can't find it in my thoughts. anywhere. but, i digress...]
do i have to look into their eyes to find my healing? i hope not. how could i look into their souls. that would be like looking into hell. maybe i have to go there to find the key. i have no idea how to fix this. it's just this lifetime, it's just this embodiment, it is only kimrey that is shattered, not my Spirit. how can my Spirit heal my fractured, broken vessel?
so this morning i am falling and shattering and i am remembering what was done to me, things that very few people on this planet would believe happened to me. but they did. i know that they did. i can feel them in my very cells. my cellular memory is full of them. and my cells remember everything. we are supposed to be all new cells, but i think that the memories are in my being so deeply that the new cells remember as vividly as if it had just happened. i can't face them. i can't talk to anyone about this. that's the loneliest feeling. i have my wonderful husband. he knows. he believes, he understands. he is my rock and he is shattered as well. lol. that's the irony.
so, how do the two of us heal ourselves and put our life on the right track? it has to be done. we have been living here in limbo far too long. sitting here spinning wheels. wheels that produce just enough forward movement to keep us from sinking. but we are sinking and neither of us knows how to fix the leak in the boat. we are both the same side of the coin. how do we find ourselves, and regain our balance? pull ourselves up out of this mire? is it simply depression? or is the depression caused by something unfix-able?
i don't know. i have no answers. perhaps i can find them at my center.
